Just waiting 'til the shine wears off...
Hey there - it's been awhile. I feel like so little and yet so much has and hasn't happened. And that verbal confusion is a great representation of my present state. Feeling a bit lost lately.
It use to be I would bare a bit of my soul here on a rather regular basis. So cathartic, the writing and baring. So forgive me for the vagueness - I'll try to explain as little as possible so you have only a little to go on but only because I need to say a few things...write a few things...document this time in my life.
Presently, I am waiting to find out another patient has died. She has two little girls and a husband who is graciously leading his family through this amazingly difficult experience. I'm in complete awe of this family and so incredibly sad I won't see her again on this earth. I am also attempting to accept the decisions my brother has made - including eliminating me and my family from his life and "moving" to India. Again, I am in awe of his incredibly selfish decisions and so very sad I may never see him again on this earth.
Working full-time, being a mom full-time, a student part-time and attempting to be a wife, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, niece and granddaughter during all of the snippets of time between leaves very little time for anything else. Particularly coping with loss. It just hits me all of a sudden. Oh, my brother is gone. Oh, she's dying and leaving behind a family who loves her so much. Oh, man, this hurts. I hurt.
It's the kind of pain you don't take ibuprofen for. Your only choice is to wade through the sludge and hope someone can hose you off at the end. You're still left wet and cold but at least the mud isn't caked to your skin, slowing you down, clogging your pores.
When I was younger - maybe 15 or so, I was utterly convinced that pain of this kind would always be a weight around my neck. Always and forever pulling me down and preventing me from looking up and out and beyond. Convinced. I got older, experienced more life, accepted that beauty could be found on a dirty floor and the weight began to diminish. Occasionally the heaviness returns and I'm left looking around for those pretty scraps.
It use to be I would bare a bit of my soul here on a rather regular basis. So cathartic, the writing and baring. So forgive me for the vagueness - I'll try to explain as little as possible so you have only a little to go on but only because I need to say a few things...write a few things...document this time in my life.
Presently, I am waiting to find out another patient has died. She has two little girls and a husband who is graciously leading his family through this amazingly difficult experience. I'm in complete awe of this family and so incredibly sad I won't see her again on this earth. I am also attempting to accept the decisions my brother has made - including eliminating me and my family from his life and "moving" to India. Again, I am in awe of his incredibly selfish decisions and so very sad I may never see him again on this earth.
Working full-time, being a mom full-time, a student part-time and attempting to be a wife, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, niece and granddaughter during all of the snippets of time between leaves very little time for anything else. Particularly coping with loss. It just hits me all of a sudden. Oh, my brother is gone. Oh, she's dying and leaving behind a family who loves her so much. Oh, man, this hurts. I hurt.
It's the kind of pain you don't take ibuprofen for. Your only choice is to wade through the sludge and hope someone can hose you off at the end. You're still left wet and cold but at least the mud isn't caked to your skin, slowing you down, clogging your pores.
When I was younger - maybe 15 or so, I was utterly convinced that pain of this kind would always be a weight around my neck. Always and forever pulling me down and preventing me from looking up and out and beyond. Convinced. I got older, experienced more life, accepted that beauty could be found on a dirty floor and the weight began to diminish. Occasionally the heaviness returns and I'm left looking around for those pretty scraps.
I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh, and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off
You might be a big fish in a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the firing stops
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off
Comments