Open doors....

It's Easter weekend and with this Holy Week comes a feeling of guilt. Naturally. I've been contemplating my obligation as a Christian parent to teach Jackson about God. Robbie and I have yet to find a church home here in KC and by "find" I mean "look with an earnest attempt to find." It's a topic I have great ambivalence towards. On one hand, I miss the opportunities to serve and the connections I would inevitably make if I were involved in a church. On the other hand, I'm greatly annoyed with what Cool, Hip and With-it Churches do in order to appeal to a self-centered, arrogant and narcissistic society of holier than thou Green Do-Gooders in word only (often their own).

Growing up I was always in church. We attended all the functions, I made every craft project in Vacation Bible School and my parents often hosted bible studies and get-togethers at our house...no matter where that house was located, North Dakota, Okinawa, South Carolina, Illinois, Louisiana and Oklahoma. Church was what we did and I never really questioned it. My first, great distaste for church came the first time we attended a large church in Oklahoma City. Their guest speaker for the morning was a state senator and even at the very naive, young age of 15 I felt (quite strongly) this particular mixture of worshiping my Lord and Savior and politics didn't feel quite right. To this day, and despite a broader perspective on religion and politics I still don't fully understand those feelings of disdain. I suppose it speaks more about the heart of the issue. Simplicity.

As much as I struggle with Faith and Belief, I do believe. I do believe in a loving God. I do believe I have been given capable hands to help those who are in need. I do believe there is more to this life than what sits directly in my line of sight. I also believe Jackson was a gift from God, bringing new challenges into my life and the opportunity to understand, in the smallest way, how to love unconditionally. With any gift given, there should be thanks and I want Jackson to know just how thankful I am. I want our decision to attend church to not be based in fear. I want to simplify the process....I go to church because I love God and I have capable hands. Teaching is more about what you do then say and too often I say too much and do too little.

Jackson's first Easter may or may not include church, and I've decided this is okay for now. I have no perfect answers about religion and faith for my son and there may come a time when this will prove to cause difficulty in our home. I remember struggling as a teenager with questions about differences in religion and I also remember my Dad not having an answer for me. I'm pretty sure he really wished he had an answer that would clarify everything for me, but that was not to be so. I grew from that experience and I know Jackson will someday understand I only have what I have to offer him and the rest will be his to figure out.

In the meantime, I will prepare our Easter feast of grilled burgers and southern green beans, clean the house for company and maintain my weekly weekend chores. And in remembrance of my God and his death and resurrection I will not forget how thankful I am for the importance of life and learning and caring and giving. I hope Jackson will learn about God because I said little and opened more doors with my heart.

"Be an opener of doors for such as come after thee, and do not try to make the universe a blind alley." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Comments

Jacque Cork said…
Catie, your post touched me deeply. My story is very much like yours, and although Mark and I attended church every time the doors were open while our kids were growing up (probably because Mark was on staff!), we now find ourselves exactly where you are - grappling with questions that have no clear answers, and without out a church "home" (but not really looking very hard to find one). Yet like you, we are very much aware of God, his unconditional love, his sacrifice, his grace, and his presence. We plan to attend church tonight, perhaps more out of guilt or habit rather than an expression of joy and thanksgiving. It's an interesting journey, and I'm glad to know we are not alone. Thanks again for sharing your heart.
11:39 AM
Resa said…
Happy Easter! Wish we could make it over for lunch! I'm confident that God himself will help you find the way in how He wants you to teach Jackson about Him and raise him as a Christian.
3:15 PM
Lady and Tater said…
I hope you have a great weekend, Catie! Give our love to the little man and the big man. :)
3:57 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Settling in...

Next month marks our 8th Moved to Kansas City Anniversary. Eight years and I am just now feeling like we are settling in. Life is moving along at a steady clip. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, but thank goodness it exists or I would never know anything about anybody. Having a small child seems to suck you into this introverted world where all you (feel) like you do is pick up toys, read Little Golden Books and sing The Wheels On the Bus. But, of course, this is only partially true. As disconnected as I feel to the world outside of my home and the Cancer Center, I am that much more connected to my beautiful son. I am learning to accept that "balance" is a myth. Lately, I've spent a lot of time challenging my notion of health and wellness. Robbie and I joined a gym and I am actually committing time to go. In fact, I even made the large investment to work with a personal trainer. I am trying so incredibly hard to hang up my discomfort and unease about my bod...
Read more

I knew I was forgetting something...

Image
Writing and keeping a journal has always been cathartic for me and I think often, "I should jot that down." The many " thats " that have gone by since last July are almost too numerous to count, and frankly, I've sadly forgotten most of them. I love to write and this blog is testament to that. Unfortunately, my time and energy is limited these days and given my OCD nature, I can't just write a simple little update without revision and editing. I've always wanted to be sure I am saying what I mean and mean what I say...and if I can do it eloquently with a little additional thought, well even better. And that's where I struggle these days. It seems my brain power is more focused on the miles of pages that need to be read for class, remembering to pick my child up from daycare and staying on top of a job that, at times, consumes more of my life than I'd rather admit. Needless to say, I'm busy and taking time to sit, think, ponder and write (gra...
Read more

Gaining wait...

The heaviness of a few extra pounds compares little to the heaviness of grief. I'm feeling quite heavy these days and am impatiently waiting for a lighter spirit. The Daily Cancer Grind makes me weary and a little over a week ago Robbie's cousin lost her precious 4 month old daughter, Kate. Attending the funeral did little to ease the grief, but spending time with Kate's twin sister, her mommy, daddy and other caring relatives helped (a little) in redirecting the anger I was feeling. Am feeling. The grief in that home was palpable. It breathed, rattled the walls. We are losing patients, naturally...the holidays are approaching. I saw it in the funeral industry and the hospice industry and now the cancer care industry. People decline this time of the year. Not that the holidays are depressing enough. It's different this time though. I'm losing friends. Some of these women I see more than my best gal pals. I'm watching their decline and wishing on anything, everyt...
Read more