My new life...

There wasn't a book, class or conversation I could have had pre-baby that would have adequately prepared me for the feelings I would have after bringing Jackson home. In short, I have been one terrific mess. I am a bag of mixed emotions...completely overwhelmed with the sheer volume of responsibility weighing on my shoulders, elated my son is healthy and good natured, grieving for the life I once had and the inevitable changes in my relationships. For the first week home I cried nearly every five minutes for obvious reasons (pain) and not so obvious reasons (a baby is not a temporary thing). I would look at Robbie and be so grateful he was there helping me and as soon as my joy would surface, disdain would take over because never have I been so dependent on him for so much. Where did my independence go?

We've hit the three week mark and yesterday was my first official day on my own. It helps that physically I feel a bit better and not nearly as sore. Recovering from surgery was the last thing I wanted to do during my maternity leave and I find I waft between anger and sadness when I think about Jackson's birth story. I wanted so badly to experience the miracle of his birth...of the moment he took that first breath and greeted us with a big cry. Accepting that Robbie and I missed the very thing we had looked forward to for 9 months has been an additional challenge to my recovery.

Every day I seem to grow slightly more confident and feel a little bit better. It's slow going, however, and my desire to pack the kid up and head to mall isn't as strong as my fear of packing the kid up and heading to the mall. I have a feeling Jackson and I are going to go stir crazy before I summon up the courage to leave the house on my own with him in tow.

Fortunately, Jackson and Robbie are resilient. Depression on top of learning how to be a Mom 24/7 feels a little like a slap in the face, a face that has been terribly sunburned. I know I will look back at this time and realize the "normalcy" of it all - but I hope my joy resurfaces soon....I don't want to miss this special time with my son.

And speaking of which...he is the sweetest thing and I am particularly fond of his "I am so tired and this is all I can muster" cry.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I'm glad you're finally talking it out on your blog. You and I are alike - we can't really share what we feel unless we are writing it down, or in this case typing it out. I've missed your writings these past few weeks. And eventhough what you wrote here is not as "chipper" as normal, I know that the very act of writing is therapy for you as it is for me.

You have experienced a great joy in giving Jackson life. And in the process you have experienced great disappointment because the birth didn't go as expected or planned. And for the last three weeks you have experienced physical pain on top of the roller coaster emotions. And you have had to contend with emotions brought on by other things as well (I may appear to be an everyday-average-out-of-touch father but I know more than I let on).

Those "other things" are tertiary and just part of living. Your body will eventually recover from the physical pain pretty much on its own. The joy that comes from Jackson will always be there whenever you look at that wonderful little boy. But, I'm afraid that you're going to have to make a real conscious effort to get over your disappointment. That's going to stay with you as long as you allow it.

The future is upon you, darling Daughter. You have embarked on that unpredictable hike along the terrifying yet happy trail of "Parenthood". Stop looking back - you can't see where you're going if you're always looking where you've been.

Your loving Father
10:00 PM
Anonymous said…
Look at the rolls of fat on that boy! He's so ca-ute!!! I miss him so much. I hope you are getting the stroller out and taking him for walks (unless it is in the 100's there like it is here). Tell Josie and Mike I am missing Lenexa weather! I miss you and Robbie too. I hope we'll see you soon. Love, Mom
10:35 PM
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