Daycare Diary...
Yesterday Robbie, Jackson and I paid a visit to Dr. King for a regular check-up. Things are going well...fundal measurements are on target, my weight is good, Jackson's heartbeat is strong, my blood pressure is perfect, I've nearly met my deductible...life is good.
I had the day off and decided it would be a good time to visit a couple of daycare centers near our home and Robbie's work. Now, for those of you who might be a bit confused...it's apparently come to our attention that, at this time, it would be very difficult, financially, for me to stay at home and not work. I was really, really hoping it would work out - but quite simply, it doesn't look like it will. I've refrained from discussing this topic here because it's taken me a really long time to accept the reality of this decision. The good news is I love my job, am really good at it and have the most supportive husband who has made the promise to help me with the daily drop-off, pick-up and check-in on baby routine that can be stressful for parents who utilize daycare services. His reassurances to me have actually been the driving force behind this decision. For so long I was convinced there was NO possible way I could balance myself and a baby and a husband first thing in the morning and still get my teeth brushed. Robbie has reminded me that we can take turns brushing our teeth.
So with the Robbie momentum in my favor, I embarked on the beginnings of the Daycare Journey. I found two centers quite close to Robbie's work and our home. Robbie has a flexible schedule that would allow him drop in on Jackson whenever he felt it was necessary or whenever I called him crying, begging him to make sure my baby was still breathing. The first center is a well-known chain and has a school-like feeling about it. It was the more expensive of the two on my list and I knew from talking with the director a day or so ago that she would not be there when I visited. Instead I would meet with one of the teachers, who was also part of the "management team."
Now that I've somewhat recovered from my Daycare Journey Day 1 I can objectively say the place wasn't awful. The problem was me. I didn't really know what to expect...babies were crying, the "soothing music" seemed terribly loud, one baby girl really wanted to be picked up and held and when no one picked her up I had to fight the urge to start crying with her. It bothered me that the two woman providing me with the tour were focused on me and not the babies. Chances are this focus changed the moment I left the room. I realize this today. But yesterday, well I realized nothing of the sort. I hated every living second I was inside the daycare...I couldn't wait to leave and Daycare #2 was no different.
Daycare #2, sadly, was a basket in which I had carefully placed a few precious eggs. The location was brilliant - halfway between the house and Premier Studios, literally a 2 minute drive from home and Robbie's work. The price was the most reasonable I had found so far and they even offered part-time care for infants, a rare gem. I left Daycare #1 with the hopes that Daycare #2 would save me from the trepidation creeping upon me. Man, was I sorely disappointed. The place felt cluttered and small, the kids seemed happy and were very excited about the pizza they were having for lunch. There was one itty-bitty, tiny baby swaddled up and sleeping in one of those vibrating, reclining seats and all I could think was, "she'd be so much more comfy sleeping on her Mommy's chest...I'm sure." By the time we made our way back to the front door I was spent and then it happened....
I completely lost it. In mid-sentence I froze up, my face turned beet red and the tears came pouring down my face. I apologized as I feebly attempted to pull myself together and with every attempt came more tears and blubbering. I was a terrific mess. The director started moving towards the front door and quickly said something about me needing to make a decision soon because August was filling up. Oh, and the deposit was two weeks of daycare fees plus $50. I tried to gather what dignity I could, thanked her for her time and quickly made my way to my car. I pulled away from the center and sobbed, audibly. Fortunately, I was only 2 minutes away from home.
I sat in my car, in the garage for about 15 minutes crying the most pathetic, lonely cry of my life. I felt like such a failure! How could I have spent the last 10 years of my married life NOT preparing to take care of my future children? I knew I would have them eventually. I've always known I wanted to stay home with them. How could I have been so incredibly selfish and think I wouldn't have to plan ahead to make this happen? How could I have been so incredibly naive to think that if that's what you want to do then it will just work itself out?
Robbie was in a meeting, Mrs. Nelson unavailable, Mom in Oklahoma City. The only thing left was my bed and my cats. After I cried my heart out I slept...for four hours. No laundry was done, no bathrooms cleaned, no groceries purchased, it was a waste of a day. I woke up to the same sad feelings, but knew I needed to pull myself together. Robbie would be home soon and we had a date night planned. I finally got a hold of Laura and she gave me some much needed advice for Daycare Journey Day 2. She reminded me that babies cry...at daycare centers and at home and that I will know when I find the right one...well, I will kind of know. She suggested I mark Daycare #2 off of my list completely, primarily due to the insensitive nature of the director and have faith that if this is the decision we've made for our family then the right place for Jackson is out there. This helped a bit and after talking with Robbie it was decided I would not go alone for future visits.
Today I am still really sad about this experience. I genuinely hate the idea of leaving my infant with strangers. Genuinely. The older kids seemed fine...happy, engaged. They could ask for what they want and needed. The babies, however, they are so vulnerable, small, dependent. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do this. None.
After all of this, the one thing I walked away with was how important it is to be available to someone when they so obviously need attention. Even a stranger. I know it's not easy to face another person's emotion, especially when it seems ill-placed or awkward. I realize most people are not comfortable with their own emotions let alone someone else's, but when there is obvious distress it just seems so cruel to ignore and be inconvenienced by the miserable person. I am not sure there's much she could've done to make me stop crying, but just saying, "You're going to be okay, I promise" would've been a start. Maybe acknowledging how difficult this decision is for parents would have helped me realize I am not alone in my suffering. Pushing me towards the door only made me feel worse. I left there reminded that life's decisions can sometimes bring immense pain and to be able to share that pain with another individual - well - that can also be one of life's greatest gifts.
I suppose this experience is one of many I will feel as an unprepared new mother and boy was this one a doozy. Hopefully the next Daycare Diary entry will show progress towards a happy medium. I've decided to supply my car with a box of tissues, however...just in case.
I had the day off and decided it would be a good time to visit a couple of daycare centers near our home and Robbie's work. Now, for those of you who might be a bit confused...it's apparently come to our attention that, at this time, it would be very difficult, financially, for me to stay at home and not work. I was really, really hoping it would work out - but quite simply, it doesn't look like it will. I've refrained from discussing this topic here because it's taken me a really long time to accept the reality of this decision. The good news is I love my job, am really good at it and have the most supportive husband who has made the promise to help me with the daily drop-off, pick-up and check-in on baby routine that can be stressful for parents who utilize daycare services. His reassurances to me have actually been the driving force behind this decision. For so long I was convinced there was NO possible way I could balance myself and a baby and a husband first thing in the morning and still get my teeth brushed. Robbie has reminded me that we can take turns brushing our teeth.
So with the Robbie momentum in my favor, I embarked on the beginnings of the Daycare Journey. I found two centers quite close to Robbie's work and our home. Robbie has a flexible schedule that would allow him drop in on Jackson whenever he felt it was necessary or whenever I called him crying, begging him to make sure my baby was still breathing. The first center is a well-known chain and has a school-like feeling about it. It was the more expensive of the two on my list and I knew from talking with the director a day or so ago that she would not be there when I visited. Instead I would meet with one of the teachers, who was also part of the "management team."
Now that I've somewhat recovered from my Daycare Journey Day 1 I can objectively say the place wasn't awful. The problem was me. I didn't really know what to expect...babies were crying, the "soothing music" seemed terribly loud, one baby girl really wanted to be picked up and held and when no one picked her up I had to fight the urge to start crying with her. It bothered me that the two woman providing me with the tour were focused on me and not the babies. Chances are this focus changed the moment I left the room. I realize this today. But yesterday, well I realized nothing of the sort. I hated every living second I was inside the daycare...I couldn't wait to leave and Daycare #2 was no different.
Daycare #2, sadly, was a basket in which I had carefully placed a few precious eggs. The location was brilliant - halfway between the house and Premier Studios, literally a 2 minute drive from home and Robbie's work. The price was the most reasonable I had found so far and they even offered part-time care for infants, a rare gem. I left Daycare #1 with the hopes that Daycare #2 would save me from the trepidation creeping upon me. Man, was I sorely disappointed. The place felt cluttered and small, the kids seemed happy and were very excited about the pizza they were having for lunch. There was one itty-bitty, tiny baby swaddled up and sleeping in one of those vibrating, reclining seats and all I could think was, "she'd be so much more comfy sleeping on her Mommy's chest...I'm sure." By the time we made our way back to the front door I was spent and then it happened....
I completely lost it. In mid-sentence I froze up, my face turned beet red and the tears came pouring down my face. I apologized as I feebly attempted to pull myself together and with every attempt came more tears and blubbering. I was a terrific mess. The director started moving towards the front door and quickly said something about me needing to make a decision soon because August was filling up. Oh, and the deposit was two weeks of daycare fees plus $50. I tried to gather what dignity I could, thanked her for her time and quickly made my way to my car. I pulled away from the center and sobbed, audibly. Fortunately, I was only 2 minutes away from home.
I sat in my car, in the garage for about 15 minutes crying the most pathetic, lonely cry of my life. I felt like such a failure! How could I have spent the last 10 years of my married life NOT preparing to take care of my future children? I knew I would have them eventually. I've always known I wanted to stay home with them. How could I have been so incredibly selfish and think I wouldn't have to plan ahead to make this happen? How could I have been so incredibly naive to think that if that's what you want to do then it will just work itself out?
Robbie was in a meeting, Mrs. Nelson unavailable, Mom in Oklahoma City. The only thing left was my bed and my cats. After I cried my heart out I slept...for four hours. No laundry was done, no bathrooms cleaned, no groceries purchased, it was a waste of a day. I woke up to the same sad feelings, but knew I needed to pull myself together. Robbie would be home soon and we had a date night planned. I finally got a hold of Laura and she gave me some much needed advice for Daycare Journey Day 2. She reminded me that babies cry...at daycare centers and at home and that I will know when I find the right one...well, I will kind of know. She suggested I mark Daycare #2 off of my list completely, primarily due to the insensitive nature of the director and have faith that if this is the decision we've made for our family then the right place for Jackson is out there. This helped a bit and after talking with Robbie it was decided I would not go alone for future visits.
Today I am still really sad about this experience. I genuinely hate the idea of leaving my infant with strangers. Genuinely. The older kids seemed fine...happy, engaged. They could ask for what they want and needed. The babies, however, they are so vulnerable, small, dependent. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do this. None.
After all of this, the one thing I walked away with was how important it is to be available to someone when they so obviously need attention. Even a stranger. I know it's not easy to face another person's emotion, especially when it seems ill-placed or awkward. I realize most people are not comfortable with their own emotions let alone someone else's, but when there is obvious distress it just seems so cruel to ignore and be inconvenienced by the miserable person. I am not sure there's much she could've done to make me stop crying, but just saying, "You're going to be okay, I promise" would've been a start. Maybe acknowledging how difficult this decision is for parents would have helped me realize I am not alone in my suffering. Pushing me towards the door only made me feel worse. I left there reminded that life's decisions can sometimes bring immense pain and to be able to share that pain with another individual - well - that can also be one of life's greatest gifts.
I suppose this experience is one of many I will feel as an unprepared new mother and boy was this one a doozy. Hopefully the next Daycare Diary entry will show progress towards a happy medium. I've decided to supply my car with a box of tissues, however...just in case.
Comments
Seriously, quit beating yourself up! You are not selfish. You are a great mommy. Remember that saying "having children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" So true. I remember when Emma went into daycare and you finally saw for yourself that she was happy there. Babies require warm, dry beds, hugs, and bottles (and they generally aren't real picky about who gives it. By the time Jackson is sitting up and playing this will be the norm for him. It wasn't for you and you are transferring your memories of the few times you were in daycare over to your son. Will he miss you? At times, and he'll be awfully glad when he goes home and there will be days he'd rather be home. But that will come much later and by then this will all be normal. Just as Jackson would not be picked up everytime he wails at home (remember selfsoothing?) they cannot do it at daycare either. Your job is to find the place that is clean, attentive to the children and looks like the children there are happy to be there. Is this hard? you bet it is, the first time I left you was with a good friend who I knew was wonderful with her children, I cried and cried. But it got easier with time. It will for you too. Hang in there, you can do this. I so wish I could fix this for you. Dad said we can't move to Kansas...
One of the really cool features a lot of the day cares here now have is web cam. You can get on your computer at work and see what your baby is up to. I think that would be great comfort!!! You might check and see if there are any close to you.
And...don't forget...his middle name is Danger!!!...L