Mind blowing and life imploding - sounds like fun...
A few weeks ago I went for my yearly check-up...you know...with the Lady Doctor... and she was somewhat surprised to find Robbie and I hadn't visited her earlier in the year to announce we were pregnant. I don't think it's a big secret to know we want kid(s) and that, in our ninth year of marriage, we are not preventing pregnancy from occurring. For the last two years or so we've been in the "well, if it happens, it happens" kind of mentality. And then Robbie's brother had his first baby, the Nelson's had Max, and now Robbie's brother is having his second, and my cousin Sarah has had both of her babies, and we can't forget Emma Rose......
It seems to happen all around us. People having other people. It obviously happened to my parents and Robbie's parents found duplicate success, at the same time, in procreating. I get it - people have babies, life goes on. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
Now, I am not entirely sure why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. There are times when I think the worse, and other times I am so incredibly grateful I have one more month to mentally and physically try to prepare myself. I tell my girlfriends, "Oh, I'm not worried - it will happen when it's time to happen." I say it and there are days I whole-heartily believe it and other days, well, not so much.
So, I see my doctor and I know she's following my cues of calm, cool and collected. My visit went something like this:
Dr. King: Wow, no birth control - at all - for how long?
Catie: Nope, a year, maybe longer...not entirely sure.
Dr. King: And you do know how this all works, right?
Catie: I've definitely read the book - a few times.
Dr. King: Hmmm, okay....
Catie: Oh, I'm okay! It will happen when it's time to happen!
Dr. King: Well......how many children were you and Robbie wanting to have?
Catie: I suppose we need to start with one, right?
Dr. King: Okay, Catie...I am going to suggest you buy an ovulation kit and if you don't find success in a month or two, call me and we'll bring Robbie in for some tests.
As I start moving into my thirties I realize this will be a decision Robbie and I will need to make. I don't think I am going to get to be that woman who goes to see her doctor because she thinks she has the flu and walks out with the news she's pregnant. I really, really, wanted to be that person - but I am finally realizing pregnancy for me is not going to happen in that kiss a frog magical kind of way. It's going to require something more, like peeing on a stick and taking my temperature more.
Naturally, because work is involved, I am procrastinating. I keep thinking, "Oh, we've got plenty of time." And to some, it may seem as though we do....but, when do you make the time? If this year isn't good, do I really think next year will be? Everyone (and by everyone I mean, people with children) always say, "if you wait until you have the money to have a kid, you will never have one." But, is that really a financial gamble I want to take? 'Cause let me tell you - the whole thing feels like one big toss of the dice.
I can easily get caught up in the romance of a sweet baby especially when I think of my very own little mixture of Robbie and myself. I truly do not want to be 60 years old regretting the decision to not have a family. It's very clear to Robbie and I what we want when it comes to having children. What is increasingly cloudy, however, is when. How old is too old for me to have my first? I do want more than one child, but can't even commit to the first one! And don't even get me started on working with a baby. I just can't even allow myself to go there without breathing into a paper sack.
I recently read an interview with Dr. Susan Maushart - author of the Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives. When asked how she thought the media affects our perception of motherhood she said, "I think quite drastically, as the media affects our perception of almost all we do. Women in America are surrounded by airbrushed images of what its like to parent a young child, particularly an infant child. We see this in all kinds of media. Women's magazines are the worst presenters of presenting to us images that are quite impossible to attain. For most of us the transition to motherhood, the experience of having that first baby is quite mind-blowing, and life-imploding. It's a time of chaos and confusion and contradiction, a time when you wish to be in control, but the reality is that you feel that you have little control over anything at all. That's in stark contrast to the Madonna-like figure, perpetually serene and in control and always loving, lacking in angry feelings, lacking in ambivalent feelings towards motherhood and the baby. All those feelings are common and absolutely normal, but you'd never know it by looking at those images."
I read this and thought, "Good grief! Why would anyone choose this?!!!" My Mom is right when she says, "Catie - you know too much!" I am absolutely terrified of becoming a mother and rightly so. I can think of no other life change, save moving in with a family of gorillas, that would alter my comfy life more. I like my alone time, my tidy home, my marriage....I like it all just the way it is. Where does this pressure come from? Why do I long to paint our office a soft shade of yellow and fill the closet with tiny clothes?! **where's that paper sack**
So, I went to CVS today to drop off a prescription. While waiting I checked out the ovulation kits. The cheapest I found was $45 dollars.
I bought some nail polish instead. Maybe I will be ready next month...or maybe I'll get the flu.
It seems to happen all around us. People having other people. It obviously happened to my parents and Robbie's parents found duplicate success, at the same time, in procreating. I get it - people have babies, life goes on. Oh, how I wish it were that simple.
Now, I am not entirely sure why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. There are times when I think the worse, and other times I am so incredibly grateful I have one more month to mentally and physically try to prepare myself. I tell my girlfriends, "Oh, I'm not worried - it will happen when it's time to happen." I say it and there are days I whole-heartily believe it and other days, well, not so much.
So, I see my doctor and I know she's following my cues of calm, cool and collected. My visit went something like this:
Dr. King: Wow, no birth control - at all - for how long?
Catie: Nope, a year, maybe longer...not entirely sure.
Dr. King: And you do know how this all works, right?
Catie: I've definitely read the book - a few times.
Dr. King: Hmmm, okay....
Catie: Oh, I'm okay! It will happen when it's time to happen!
Dr. King: Well......how many children were you and Robbie wanting to have?
Catie: I suppose we need to start with one, right?
Dr. King: Okay, Catie...I am going to suggest you buy an ovulation kit and if you don't find success in a month or two, call me and we'll bring Robbie in for some tests.
As I start moving into my thirties I realize this will be a decision Robbie and I will need to make. I don't think I am going to get to be that woman who goes to see her doctor because she thinks she has the flu and walks out with the news she's pregnant. I really, really, wanted to be that person - but I am finally realizing pregnancy for me is not going to happen in that kiss a frog magical kind of way. It's going to require something more, like peeing on a stick and taking my temperature more.
Naturally, because work is involved, I am procrastinating. I keep thinking, "Oh, we've got plenty of time." And to some, it may seem as though we do....but, when do you make the time? If this year isn't good, do I really think next year will be? Everyone (and by everyone I mean, people with children) always say, "if you wait until you have the money to have a kid, you will never have one." But, is that really a financial gamble I want to take? 'Cause let me tell you - the whole thing feels like one big toss of the dice.
I can easily get caught up in the romance of a sweet baby especially when I think of my very own little mixture of Robbie and myself. I truly do not want to be 60 years old regretting the decision to not have a family. It's very clear to Robbie and I what we want when it comes to having children. What is increasingly cloudy, however, is when. How old is too old for me to have my first? I do want more than one child, but can't even commit to the first one! And don't even get me started on working with a baby. I just can't even allow myself to go there without breathing into a paper sack.
I recently read an interview with Dr. Susan Maushart - author of the Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives. When asked how she thought the media affects our perception of motherhood she said, "I think quite drastically, as the media affects our perception of almost all we do. Women in America are surrounded by airbrushed images of what its like to parent a young child, particularly an infant child. We see this in all kinds of media. Women's magazines are the worst presenters of presenting to us images that are quite impossible to attain. For most of us the transition to motherhood, the experience of having that first baby is quite mind-blowing, and life-imploding. It's a time of chaos and confusion and contradiction, a time when you wish to be in control, but the reality is that you feel that you have little control over anything at all. That's in stark contrast to the Madonna-like figure, perpetually serene and in control and always loving, lacking in angry feelings, lacking in ambivalent feelings towards motherhood and the baby. All those feelings are common and absolutely normal, but you'd never know it by looking at those images."
I read this and thought, "Good grief! Why would anyone choose this?!!!" My Mom is right when she says, "Catie - you know too much!" I am absolutely terrified of becoming a mother and rightly so. I can think of no other life change, save moving in with a family of gorillas, that would alter my comfy life more. I like my alone time, my tidy home, my marriage....I like it all just the way it is. Where does this pressure come from? Why do I long to paint our office a soft shade of yellow and fill the closet with tiny clothes?! **where's that paper sack**
So, I went to CVS today to drop off a prescription. While waiting I checked out the ovulation kits. The cheapest I found was $45 dollars.
I bought some nail polish instead. Maybe I will be ready next month...or maybe I'll get the flu.
Comments
-Mary Anne Radmacher
That is a quote I thought you might appreciate.
The parents that you and Robbie will eventually be is worth the frightening decision making you have been asked to do. The distance from here to there is unknown and how you are going to get there is unknown. Eventually, though, there will be a little Knight running around that clean, tidy, quite house, and it will be amazing to see!
Aunt Linda