Okay, I think I am ready to talk about it...
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun (Ecclesiastes 2:10-11, TNIV).
I've been presented with an opportunity masqueraded in sacrifice. A little over a week ago I certainly did not see the sacrifice as anything but, well, a sacrifice....with a sprinkle of shame, a dash of fear and an entire side serving of utter grief.
I've made the decision to take a year off from school.
Yes, my last year. The same one where I only had one semester of coursework left and one semester of student teaching, yeah, that's the one.
I suppose, however, that the decision was made for me. For the last year I have been saying to Robbie, "Okay, Robbie, here's the deal...I can't work starting in January. It just won't be possible. So, that means, we need to be financially ready by the time I return to school in August....this August." Of course, I am not entirely sure what I expected this speech to do...I mean, the speech wasn't earning a paycheck or anything.
It's June and the reality is we will not be ready by August or January. It's a sad reality and one I fought with for four really crummy days. I even called my Dad...sobbing of course....."What are we going to do?! I've worked so hard to get to this point!" My Dad, bless his heart, said what no one else could have...probably because I wouldn't have listened to anyone else. Dad said, "Cate, I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you really need to consider working for a year to pay off debt, save some money and finish school without the burden of poverty." Ouch.
You know those times when another person says nearly the exact thing you've been thinking but could never actually say out loud, let alone admit was the right thing to do. This was exactly like one of those times. Exactly. In fact, brace yourself, I said nothing back. I just cried....and then started to accept that he was right.
The stages of grief came quickly and ferociously:
First Denial...."There is no possible way I am quitting now....no-possible-way."
Then Anger..."This is all your fault Robbie, why do I have to sacrifice my education!"
Next Bargaining..."Maybe we can sell my car, and all of my clothes, and scrapbook and art supplies, what about the television....we shouldn't be watching it anyway!"
Oh, Depression..."sniff."
And finally.....Acceptance, "I am blogging about it, what more do you want?!!"
Of course, in the midst of all this was my caring husband, who was hurting as much as I was, my parents...who reminded me that I wasn't letting them down, even though I really felt like I was and our kick-ass friends who said, "There has to be a better way!" when it needed to be said and "So what, it's just a year?" when that needed to be said as well.
Opportunity came knocking a couple of days later when my boss paid a visit to the hospital I am working in until the last week of June. He complimented my work and said, "Catie, I just hate that we are going to lose you in a couple of months."
Now, keep in mind, he said this to me when I was at complete odds with admitting, out loud, that I would not be returning to school in the fall. So, what I said to him took an incredible amount of strength and when the words came out of my mouth I seriously wanted so badly to scoop them all back up and cram them back into my mouth.
"Well, I said...I may need to beg for my job back." It turns out that my boss was visiting the hospital that day because he was interviewing people to fill positions in hospitals around the metro. He told me I would never have to beg him for a job and that as soon as I was prepared to commit he would have a spot for me. Just like that, everything changed.
I've committed.....but to more than just working full-time for the next year. This is a life changing event for me. Everything I thought was going to happen in the next year is now on hold. This even includes starting a family. I refuse to just sit by and not take full advantage of the opportunity smacking me in the face. Robbie and I are committed to eliminating our debt before the responsibility of paying of my school debt is mandatory. I am determined to help my kids with college, even if it's only for two years. We can not have two car payments and save for retirement and college funds. It's just not part of our reality.
My head was in the clouds. It's so easy to sign on the dotted line each year and accept the thousands of dollars in loans without thinking about the day I will inevitably have to pay them back. I need to be ready for that day and honestly, May 2008 was too early to be ready. I see that now. May 2009 may still have it's challenges, but at least I will have given myself a year to prepare.
The really great news is my job offer came with the understanding that I am still a teacher. I asked my boss if it would be possible for me to keep my teaching job next year as well as work for him and he said, "I would have hated to see you let that opportunity go, of course we can work it out."
Some decisions just have to be made. Some are easy, like, do I want two scoops or one? Some are hard, like, choosing one color of Fiesta Ware dishes to buy. Some are just downright, seemingly impossible. I will always take two scoops over one, I buy every single color dish available and this week I did something impossible and I am living to tell about it....with a smile on my face.
I've been presented with an opportunity masqueraded in sacrifice. A little over a week ago I certainly did not see the sacrifice as anything but, well, a sacrifice....with a sprinkle of shame, a dash of fear and an entire side serving of utter grief.
I've made the decision to take a year off from school.
Yes, my last year. The same one where I only had one semester of coursework left and one semester of student teaching, yeah, that's the one.
I suppose, however, that the decision was made for me. For the last year I have been saying to Robbie, "Okay, Robbie, here's the deal...I can't work starting in January. It just won't be possible. So, that means, we need to be financially ready by the time I return to school in August....this August." Of course, I am not entirely sure what I expected this speech to do...I mean, the speech wasn't earning a paycheck or anything.
It's June and the reality is we will not be ready by August or January. It's a sad reality and one I fought with for four really crummy days. I even called my Dad...sobbing of course....."What are we going to do?! I've worked so hard to get to this point!" My Dad, bless his heart, said what no one else could have...probably because I wouldn't have listened to anyone else. Dad said, "Cate, I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you really need to consider working for a year to pay off debt, save some money and finish school without the burden of poverty." Ouch.
You know those times when another person says nearly the exact thing you've been thinking but could never actually say out loud, let alone admit was the right thing to do. This was exactly like one of those times. Exactly. In fact, brace yourself, I said nothing back. I just cried....and then started to accept that he was right.
The stages of grief came quickly and ferociously:
First Denial...."There is no possible way I am quitting now....no-possible-way."
Then Anger..."This is all your fault Robbie, why do I have to sacrifice my education!"
Next Bargaining..."Maybe we can sell my car, and all of my clothes, and scrapbook and art supplies, what about the television....we shouldn't be watching it anyway!"
Oh, Depression..."sniff."
And finally.....Acceptance, "I am blogging about it, what more do you want?!!"
Of course, in the midst of all this was my caring husband, who was hurting as much as I was, my parents...who reminded me that I wasn't letting them down, even though I really felt like I was and our kick-ass friends who said, "There has to be a better way!" when it needed to be said and "So what, it's just a year?" when that needed to be said as well.
Opportunity came knocking a couple of days later when my boss paid a visit to the hospital I am working in until the last week of June. He complimented my work and said, "Catie, I just hate that we are going to lose you in a couple of months."
Now, keep in mind, he said this to me when I was at complete odds with admitting, out loud, that I would not be returning to school in the fall. So, what I said to him took an incredible amount of strength and when the words came out of my mouth I seriously wanted so badly to scoop them all back up and cram them back into my mouth.
"Well, I said...I may need to beg for my job back." It turns out that my boss was visiting the hospital that day because he was interviewing people to fill positions in hospitals around the metro. He told me I would never have to beg him for a job and that as soon as I was prepared to commit he would have a spot for me. Just like that, everything changed.
I've committed.....but to more than just working full-time for the next year. This is a life changing event for me. Everything I thought was going to happen in the next year is now on hold. This even includes starting a family. I refuse to just sit by and not take full advantage of the opportunity smacking me in the face. Robbie and I are committed to eliminating our debt before the responsibility of paying of my school debt is mandatory. I am determined to help my kids with college, even if it's only for two years. We can not have two car payments and save for retirement and college funds. It's just not part of our reality.
My head was in the clouds. It's so easy to sign on the dotted line each year and accept the thousands of dollars in loans without thinking about the day I will inevitably have to pay them back. I need to be ready for that day and honestly, May 2008 was too early to be ready. I see that now. May 2009 may still have it's challenges, but at least I will have given myself a year to prepare.
The really great news is my job offer came with the understanding that I am still a teacher. I asked my boss if it would be possible for me to keep my teaching job next year as well as work for him and he said, "I would have hated to see you let that opportunity go, of course we can work it out."
Some decisions just have to be made. Some are easy, like, do I want two scoops or one? Some are hard, like, choosing one color of Fiesta Ware dishes to buy. Some are just downright, seemingly impossible. I will always take two scoops over one, I buy every single color dish available and this week I did something impossible and I am living to tell about it....with a smile on my face.
